Geostorm

Watching this movie, you get the feeling you are actively watching a group of actors who learned their lines ten minutes prior to filming. Not collectively. They weren't running lines together. No. They were all living their lives, having champagne and truffle mousse on the bow of a yacht in Ibiza, no doubt. But then some sort of bill arrived and they took this or that role. And where these lives of leisure collided was on a film called: Geostorm. By sheer coincidence, though they each needed the money, apparently decided this movie was not worth a living shit. If you don't believe me, watch this film. It will be evident. Immediately. The preparation could best be described as: not at all. Basically, they said: "Why not just put it off until the last fucking second?" And this choice to cram comes through in every scene, hard. I found myself wincing at times, worried Andy Garcia or the other famous guy were about to blow their cover. The lead actor, not Gerard Butler, is one of the strangest actors to make it to the big screen. I feel bad saying that, but I don't know how not to account for his discomfiting nature. He is cute enough, I guess, but they've given him an unfortunate shave and a haircut in the dark. And told him to make weird shapes with his mouth. He seems like he should be playing the drummer in St. Elmo's Fire II. Or an extra in the crowd of said movie. But for some reason, he's been cast as the lead in Geostorm. And we, the gracious audience, are to believe this lad, this frat brother character actor from Law and Order: SVU, works for the government as a high-level someone or other. We are also to believe that the beefy Gerard Butler is his big brother -- and as usual -- one brother is responsible (bad haircut guy) and one is a mess (Gerard). But in this case, there is a twist. Gerard is not JUST a loser. He has developed some kind of satellite system that spots severe weather and neutralizes it. (We are told about this contraption in an opening sequence, that is not good--like, not well done.) We are also told that the year is 2019 and the weather has become, well, a problem. A heat stroke in Madrid killed 2 million people. I'm like, Madrid? What the hell are they talking about? But, fine. Just seems a random place to center the climate apocalypse, but frankly maybe I'll soon find this was all too possible. So Gerard developed this due to being a genius, but like all geniuses in the movies, he's also a troubled smartass -- and due to this affliction, he got his ass fired from commandeering the satellite. Wondering who did the dirty work? Get this. He was canned by his younger BROTHER. (Damn. J/K. This scene packs the punch of a guinea pig.) At some point, a few years later, the government needs him again because there's been a freak ice storm in Afghanistan, which is kind of a decent cinematic moment. So Gerard ends up being sent back to space. After a VERY long goodbye scene with his young daughter -- AKA, he's probably not coming home -- unless it's a set up for you (me) writing him off, we decide to turn the whole thing off or watch it on FF. Dunno why but I kept going. Oh, I just remembered, younger brother/fright-wig is dating Abbie Cornish. And she's secret service for the President, I think. I don't know, actually. The real question is: How did she and Ryan Philippe break up? She probably got screwed in that whole arrangement. He was (is?) SUCH an insufferable Grade A douche, as well as, a terrible actor -- he should've been in this movie. Her wardrobe for this film looks like it was supplied by Express and/or Guess or the pricier section at Contempo Casuals. (I should know.) Oh my GOD I also forgot that this weather-bombing system that Gerard Butler invented is called Dutch Boy, which maybe sounded cute, or quaint, or... something, but sounds lame as hell when the actors say it. And they say it a lot. At this point, the point where Gerard gets in the Hollywood plane that allows you to experience zero gravity, I decided to hit up Wikipedia to find out what the heck happens during the rest of the movie just so I could end the nightmare and let's just say some other stuff happens, twists and turns, and also there's a hell of a lot I forgot tell you about wig brother's job and the dad situation, and I also explained several plot points rather poorly. But. While it's a B movie, it's not as much fun and not as consoling as a lot of B movies, and I am not sure if it's because the actors didn't really commit to the roles on any level, or if space is just boring when they try to treat it like a big office in the sky, or if the name Dutchboy just ended anyone's chance of truly enjoying this film. I just don't know. But I feel like Abbie Cornish deserves better.