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Death on the Nile (2022)

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  We open in the trenches of Belgium. World War I. 1914. The start of the war. As it turns out Hercule Poirot, before becoming a world-famous sleuth full of eccentricities and vagaries, was a  young man, a humble farmer turned soldier on the Western Front. A soldier who has a captain -- and this captain, who will perish within the first five minutes, bears a dramatic mustache. Poirot ingeniously strategizes how they will take the bridge, and they do--but the Captain perishes. This death it seems is meant to account for the persona our detective comes to be known by -- elaborate coping mechanisms for a world where young men are sent to their certain death by leaders who will never know sacrifice; a world where ignorant armies clash by night; and a world where good men, who represent bravery and justice, die.  Had this scene been the entire movie, we’d have little to complain about. We’d have a thought-provoking minor masterpiece. However, no, there is a bizarrely awful movie to follow.
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Home Alone 5 (or I guess 6)

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The quaint little village of Winnetka, Illinois is not an area that would be confused with a slum. Winnetka (where, like every installment before it, the fifth* Home Alone edition is set) claims the title of one of the wealthiest places in the United States in terms of household income. Prior to crapping out this review, I decided to see what a three bed, three bath was going for in ye olde village and was delighted to find a listing for a home of that size at the (sadly) normal-ish price of $600,000. Yes, true, that is twice the price of my own modest abode, but we don't have three bathrooms; we have two bathrooms (one of which has only a bath (no shower) and one that has only a shower -- but I should mention the shower is located outside the bathroom). At any rate, 600K seemed within reason for the average rich, but not Elon Musk-level rich, person. “What’s all this claptrap about household income,” I said to myself, putting down my hammer and sickle, and clicking on the link.  H
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Home Alone 4

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Me: Hang on, I need to press pause. I'm gonna live-blog this.  Daughter: What's that?  Me: Like, write down all my thoughts.  Daughter: Oh... why...  Home Alone I, II, and III are behind us. We're dealing with a new crew. This is indicated in the opening credits when an actor is listed as playing "Kevin" (quotes, theirs). And then it's upon us.  We start out with the usual frenzied house; kids yelling "mom" and nicely appointed, but... clearly the family's lifestyle is not quite as luxe. Like, there is no hand-painted wallpaper. No Extreme Dining Room. No burnished banister. Something in the very air is a little dimmer, dingier, and everyone seems slightly more emotionally taxed. Mom's clothes look more Donna Karan Macy's than Donna Karan circa E! Fashion Channel. Within a few minutes we learn that Dad is out of the picture. Dee-vorce has struck the McCallister family. Damn. The kids don't chide and tease one other with phrases l
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Geostorm

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Watching this movie, you get the feeling you are actively watching a group of actors who learned their lines ten minutes prior to filming. Not collectively. They weren't running lines together. No. They were all living their lives, having champagne and truffle mousse on the bow of a yacht in Ibiza, no doubt. But then some sort of bill arrived and they took this or that role. And where these lives of leisure collided was on a film called: Geostorm . By sheer coincidence, though they each needed the money, apparently decided this movie was not worth a living shit. If you don't believe me, watch this film. It will be evident. Immediately. The preparation could best be described as: not at all. Basically, they said: "Why not just put it off until the last fucking second?" And this choice to cram comes through in every scene, hard. I found myself wincing at times, worried Andy Garcia or the other famous guy were about to blow their cover. The lead actor, not Gerard Butler,
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Jurassic Park III

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Tea Leoni is so great. God she's awesome. I just think she's beyond gorgeous and that husky Kathleen Turner voice of hers... right? Too much. For some odd reason (i.e., a paycheck) she decided to take a role in the Jurassic franchise. In the third installment, she plays the role of a mother whose son has gone missing on an island inhabited by resurrected dinosaurs. She and her ex-husband (William Macy, wait, William H. Macy) solicit the help of Dr. Grant (Sam something) and his assistant Billy (a dude) and they plan a research trip that is really a ruse to get them to the island where they hope to find their son and a T-Rex dining al fresco. (Also, the reason the son is there is he and mom's new man were taking a pleasure cruise around this hellscape when shit hit the fan and they had to eject from their parasailing tour and careen wildly into the landscape.) When Dr. Grant realizes he has been tricked into finding their charge, he is next-level pissed. But, hell, here they
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