Home Alone 4

Me: Hang on, I need to press pause. I'm gonna live-blog this. 

Daughter: What's that? 

Me: Like, write down all my thoughts. 

Daughter: Oh... why... 

Home Alone I, II, and III are behind us. We're dealing with a new crew. This is indicated in the opening credits when an actor is listed as playing "Kevin" (quotes, theirs). And then it's upon us. 

We start out with the usual frenzied house; kids yelling "mom" and nicely appointed, but... clearly the family's lifestyle is not quite as luxe. Like, there is no hand-painted wallpaper. No Extreme Dining Room. No burnished banister. Something in the very air is a little dimmer, dingier, and everyone seems slightly more emotionally taxed. Mom's clothes look more Donna Karan Macy's than Donna Karan circa E! Fashion Channel. Within a few minutes we learn that Dad is out of the picture. Dee-vorce has struck the McCallister family. Damn.

The kids don't chide and tease one other with phrases like "you're what the French call les incompétents" -- they call the youngest into the room and trip his ass, pin him, and threaten to traumatize him. Before they can do something legit, dad shows up! And immede lets us know he's getting hitched! That's right, it's time to get remarried. To Natalie. It's been eight months since the separation, mom mentions to him. Yeah, he says. (Huh.) Anyway, Dad decides he'd like to have the kids over the holidays and makes them sit down and decide which parent they want to be with for xmas. The scene is whatever's the opposite of emotionally charged. They choose mom. Dad bounces. The actor who plays Kevin is ... oh, who cares. 

Soon enough we see dad's new piece. She is not likeable, not hateable. She apparently is extremely wealthy, like insanely wealthy...or something? Unclear. And very distracting--like, if someone is well-off, fine. But if someone is a billionaire with live-in servants, a massive sprawling estate, and "your wish is my command" decor, we need deets. (Unless I missed something, totaly possible, we never get them.) And then we segue to the van where the two criminals -- French Stewart and Missi Pyle (love her so much) -- are staked out. Their first scene is a nightmare. Camera work, wardrobe, make-up -- worst case scenario. Their acting? Terrible. Like watching two people play actors playing criminals. At this point I can only say the movie 100% sucks. 

Next, Kevin has an annoying evening with his vile excuse for a brother and decides to announce "I wish I was an only child" (again, zero pathos) and then hightail it to dad's g-unit's house. They're mid-makeout when Kevin pops in, but they jump up beyond psyched to see him, which is... odd. (The emotional reactions in this film rarely match the context, which is lacking, and the effect of all this is: who cares?) We learn the house is a SMART house, which feels important and the set up for hijinks, but -- again -- the dominant feeling is "who cares what happens and to whom and/or how?"  Dad and his thot leave for the day. There's a musical sequence. One of two housekeepers leaves. We get the feeling Prescott (the housekeeper who stays) is not a fan of Kevin, and maybe is ... one of the bad guys? Ope! Here come the criminals! It ends in a Criminals v. Kevin face-off, and the house being flooded. Somehow the criminals sort of tromp away and Kevin gets blamed. It becomes clear that there IS an inside man and again it's just like I don't give a damn. Except they get away in an inexplicable "ok, bye" scene and the 'rents return and are of course shocked and only vaguely pissed and we, the audience, prepare ourselves (in steel casings) for a few more of these misunderstandings--ugh. Throughout these scenes we hear French Stewart AKA Marv talking to Missi Pyle AKA Vera and it becomes clear French must be from Wisconsin or Minnesota based on his vowel pronunciation. (According to Wikipedia he was born and raised in New Mexico.) 

I'll cut to the chase. The best part of the movie is when we find out that Prescott is NOT the inside man. The other housekeeper is. She's Marv's mother. And she's nuts. I was legit shocked, a la Agatha Christie plot twist shocked. And mom and dad get back together in the end. Which is cheap as hell. AND the stepmonster gets dragged under the bus for basically no reason (they try to make her the villain at one point, when she gives Kev a stern talking to -- but frankly he flooded her house, destroyed a party she was trying to have, and otherwise acted the fool, so, um, he deserves a few harsh words/idle threats).

P.S. This is from French Stewart's Wiki page: "In 1996, he was cast on 3rd Rock from the Sun, which lasted for six seasons. On the show, Stewart was noted for his talents at physical comedy and his characteristic "squinting" facial expression."